Happy New Year, sorta

First let me start by saying happy new year everyone... to whom ever is reading this. today i had 30 readers... so whom ever you are thank you.

This blog is starting out slow, but hey it will get there, and its not the quantity of readers, its the quality. so whom ever the 30 of you are today i thank you.


Its a new year as of about 2 hours ago, a new year filled with so much hope and promise.

I spent new years eve with the ex and his family. is it weird that i am still close with them? I sometimes find it in this situation that my ex fiance's family cares more about me than my own family. They are just really good people, and not only do i love their son, i also love them. It maybe corny of me to say this but i really enjoy spending time with his parents.

I will say, it is getting harder and harder each time i am with his family, which is pretty regularly. It is hard to just sit there and pretend like i am not still in love with their son. and I Think it is pretty obvious to everyone around us, that i am still head over heals in love with him.

This situation is so new to me, and at times i do not know how to handle it. In the past, when i am done with a relationship, its goodbye, never see ya again, maybe a few random hook-ups with that person (a girl has her needs) and then thats it.. its like, we didnt work out, you need to disappear now.

But with him it is different. maybe its because i never had a relationship of this caliber. I have never loved someone so much, and we where getting married. So when things ended, it wasn't so easy to just say goodbye and move on. everyone around me keeps saying the same thing, why are you still putting up with it. why are you still associating with him. Its not that easy to get rid of someone who has been in your life for so long, its not that easy to just stop talking to someone who you love so much. Whose family you have become so close with, whose family was going to be your family, who was your family, ya know.

I mean, he is my best friend. It went beyond just our relationship, he was and is truly my best friend. I trust him with my life, and unfortunately i trusted him with my heart.

In the end, i know that i will probably be the one who is left hurting, but there are things that run through my head so much. Why can he not see what is right in front of him?

and, because i am so close with his family, when he leaves for the navy in a couple of months, i am still going to be close with his family, especially his mother, whom i adore and respect so much. what if he meets someone, and decides to date them? you really think if he brings a girl home, she is going to be comfortable with his family being so close with his ex fiance?

or, is he just trying to figure things out. there are so many theories out there from people, and it is all so confusing. someone said to me the other day "maybe he is trying to push you away because he is leaving, and he thinks it will be easier for you to move on than wait for him?" but that doesnt make any sense to me. because, love has no bounds, no time, and no space. I love him, and always will, if he leaves for bootcamp, and is gone for 8 weeks, so what. that doesnt change any way i feel. if after that he gets shipped off for 6 months, what does that change? nothing.

Life is to short to sit around and play games. that is my theory. here are two people, who love and care about each other so much, yet we cannot make it work. Here is this woman, who is trying so hard to repair what was broken, and this man who is to stupid to realize what is right in front of his face. No girl will ever love him the way i do, and he has said it when we broke up, that no relationship has or will ever compare to what we have.

i keep hearing the same things from him, he doesnt want a relationship right now, because he is just trying to figure his life out. but to me that is bullshit. its complete bullshit. you can figure things out in your life and still have someone whom you love and care about.

I'm sure people look at us like we are a joke or something... i know his friends have made some comments to him, saying that if you want nothing to do with her, then why are you with her all the time?


I just don't know what to do. and entering into the new year, i thought that i could move on with a clear head, but as it turns out, i spent new years eve with him and his family. and i enjoyed myself. Every time i am with them, and around him, it just feels right ya know? it just feels like this is how it is supposed to be.

I want to be his wife. I want to have his children. I want to spend time with his family. I want this so badly. and i feel like i am putting in all this effort only to get back nothing.


What is your plan God? I am trying to leave this all up in your hands, but you have brought him into my life, obviously for a reason, and i would love to know what is next. I would love to know why you brought this incredible man and his family into my life. why i fell in love with him so much, only for it to be taken away? what lesson am i supposed to learn in this?

I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year... and i hope that all of you get everything you want.

with love,

Paigalicious.