You jumped the Ship

you jumped ship.

I started thinking yesterday in the shower, yes i am sad about this break-up, but now, i am getting mad.

I could have easily broke up with you, when you went to jail, when you went on a drug run, and had to take all the pills so the police wouldn't arrest you, when on your birthday you took acid. I could have easily dumped you when you where out of work for awhile, when you felt you had nothing to offer me. I could have easily dumped you when you didnt go to my grandfathers funeral with me, when all my friends where expecting to meet you at Kelly's birthday party, when i had to walk in by myself, and that crazy adam guy tried to hit me in the face.

I could have easily walked away when we started fighting, when i just wanted to spend some alone time with you. When i would ask you not to smoke weed anymore, when i would say you could work at Burger king and i wouldn't care. I could have walked away when you where depressed because you felt like you had nothing, and where nothing.

Instead, I supported you, told you how wonderful you where, how i loved you more than anything, how things where going to look up in the future. That i would never leave you because i love you. I never called you names, never put you down, never hit you, never cheated on you. and when you chips where down, i did nothing but try and bring you up.


But, you... you walked away. when things got hard on my end, you just walked away without a second thought. that is not love. All the stuff you put me through, and i stood by your side, and the second things got hard on my end, you bailed.

Did you ever really love me? You say now that i am not good enough for you, well you are not good enough for me! I deserve better...

The fact that you could move on so quickly, shows that you never cared, that i never mattered to you. and in fact it makes me feel used.

Everyone in your family thinks you are playing by the rules now, that you have straightened up your act, i bet they don't know that we where still sleeping together up until 2 weeks ago, or that you where drinking in their house, and i would hide all the beer for you in my trunk, or that you are still smoking when you go repoing.

I have never put you down, or made you feel the way you make me feel now. I feel at my lowest of lows. How dare you just walk away like that...

One day, you are going to realize this was the biggest mistake of your life. Every girlfriend you ever had, took advantage of you, treated you like dirt, cheated on you, controlled you, and i was not like that at all... I did nothing but love you, with my whole heart. I wanted nothing but the best for you and i. Go find some other girl, who is going to use you, and treat you like dirt, who is going to walk all over you, who is going say they love you but really wont.

I have seen you cry, I have seen you at your most vulernable state. I was the one who even after we broke up you where still calling ever day, who you would tell all your problems to, and i just sat there and listened to you, because that is what LOVE is. You say that now that you are trying to get your life together, nobody wants to talk to you, that all your so called friends have disapeared.. well i am still here... I was still there for you... and you continued to walk all over me.


One day you are going to wake up and realize this was the biggest mistake of you life, that you just let me go... and when that day happens, Ill be in his arms, because he'll have already realized what a great person i am.


You act like now that i need to get over us, like you are confused as to why i cant get over you... well, lets see. for the past year we hae done nothing but plan our lives together, looking towards the future, towards what it was going to be like for us. and now... its just you, and just me...

you claim that you have been honest and upfront since we broke up, but no. you wheren't and its more clear than ever now that you where just keeping me along so you could have sex, and the emotional support of a relationship without actually commiting to me. Like i was your backburner girl.

You would say things like we are working on it. that we are just going with the flow, enjoying being with each other. that you dont want to get back together cause you are scared it is going to end up the way it did. That you still care about me, that you still love me. That i am a great person. That who knows in the future what is going to happen with us, that you are trying to focus on you right now, and that you have nothing to offer me. That how can you commit to me, when you cant commit to yourself, you cant be happy with me, because you are not happy with yourself....

in what warped mind does any of that state "I do not want to be with you?" you wonder why i say you are so confusing. because your actions speak one thing, and then sometimes your words agree with your actions.

I am a fool for putting up with this for 2 months. a fool.... and you are the biggest fool of all, because you just lost me. You just lost the best thing to ever happen to you.

Drug store Cosmetics

So, im not a huge fan of buying make-up at places like wal-mart, or target, or wal-greens. but i will say from time to time i pick up a few things from there. There are some good products that you can work with, that are really close to the lines the carry at Sephora or Mac. but that is not the point of this blog.

So, my loving grandmother gave me a 50 dollar gift card to Wal-mart, for christmas. and i thanked her so much. cause i love her, and it was really sweet. I Walked into wal-mart and wondered around for a bit and was like, oh ill just stock up on some cool eyeshadows, grab my mascarra, and see if anything else catches my eye... Walking through all the make-up there where some really cute things, some new lines out that i thought i might try and then, i realized something. where are all the tools to put make-up on? where are all the brushes? I walked up and down each aisle, scanning from top to bottom, and the only ones i saw where the cheap 2 dollar kit that N.Y.C. had. and those where like ridiculously cheap. you'd be better off using your fingers and toilet paper.

They have all this make-up and nothing to put it on with, so it got me thinking, how do you apply your make-up? I am lucky enough that i have grown up in the beauty industry, and have been taught the wrongs and rights of things, but what about the everyday woman?

ladies, if you are serious about your make-up lasting, and your skin being healthy, please used the right tools. you should have in your make up bag, sponges for foundation, and angled flat brush for eyeliner and brows, and a eyeshadow brush..... go to Sephora, they are not to expensive, and are worth the investment. would you want a doctor to perfrom on you with just his fingers? lol

Happy New Year, sorta

First let me start by saying happy new year everyone... to whom ever is reading this. today i had 30 readers... so whom ever you are thank you.

This blog is starting out slow, but hey it will get there, and its not the quantity of readers, its the quality. so whom ever the 30 of you are today i thank you.


Its a new year as of about 2 hours ago, a new year filled with so much hope and promise.

I spent new years eve with the ex and his family. is it weird that i am still close with them? I sometimes find it in this situation that my ex fiance's family cares more about me than my own family. They are just really good people, and not only do i love their son, i also love them. It maybe corny of me to say this but i really enjoy spending time with his parents.

I will say, it is getting harder and harder each time i am with his family, which is pretty regularly. It is hard to just sit there and pretend like i am not still in love with their son. and I Think it is pretty obvious to everyone around us, that i am still head over heals in love with him.

This situation is so new to me, and at times i do not know how to handle it. In the past, when i am done with a relationship, its goodbye, never see ya again, maybe a few random hook-ups with that person (a girl has her needs) and then thats it.. its like, we didnt work out, you need to disappear now.

But with him it is different. maybe its because i never had a relationship of this caliber. I have never loved someone so much, and we where getting married. So when things ended, it wasn't so easy to just say goodbye and move on. everyone around me keeps saying the same thing, why are you still putting up with it. why are you still associating with him. Its not that easy to get rid of someone who has been in your life for so long, its not that easy to just stop talking to someone who you love so much. Whose family you have become so close with, whose family was going to be your family, who was your family, ya know.

I mean, he is my best friend. It went beyond just our relationship, he was and is truly my best friend. I trust him with my life, and unfortunately i trusted him with my heart.

In the end, i know that i will probably be the one who is left hurting, but there are things that run through my head so much. Why can he not see what is right in front of him?

and, because i am so close with his family, when he leaves for the navy in a couple of months, i am still going to be close with his family, especially his mother, whom i adore and respect so much. what if he meets someone, and decides to date them? you really think if he brings a girl home, she is going to be comfortable with his family being so close with his ex fiance?

or, is he just trying to figure things out. there are so many theories out there from people, and it is all so confusing. someone said to me the other day "maybe he is trying to push you away because he is leaving, and he thinks it will be easier for you to move on than wait for him?" but that doesnt make any sense to me. because, love has no bounds, no time, and no space. I love him, and always will, if he leaves for bootcamp, and is gone for 8 weeks, so what. that doesnt change any way i feel. if after that he gets shipped off for 6 months, what does that change? nothing.

Life is to short to sit around and play games. that is my theory. here are two people, who love and care about each other so much, yet we cannot make it work. Here is this woman, who is trying so hard to repair what was broken, and this man who is to stupid to realize what is right in front of his face. No girl will ever love him the way i do, and he has said it when we broke up, that no relationship has or will ever compare to what we have.

i keep hearing the same things from him, he doesnt want a relationship right now, because he is just trying to figure his life out. but to me that is bullshit. its complete bullshit. you can figure things out in your life and still have someone whom you love and care about.

I'm sure people look at us like we are a joke or something... i know his friends have made some comments to him, saying that if you want nothing to do with her, then why are you with her all the time?


I just don't know what to do. and entering into the new year, i thought that i could move on with a clear head, but as it turns out, i spent new years eve with him and his family. and i enjoyed myself. Every time i am with them, and around him, it just feels right ya know? it just feels like this is how it is supposed to be.

I want to be his wife. I want to have his children. I want to spend time with his family. I want this so badly. and i feel like i am putting in all this effort only to get back nothing.


What is your plan God? I am trying to leave this all up in your hands, but you have brought him into my life, obviously for a reason, and i would love to know what is next. I would love to know why you brought this incredible man and his family into my life. why i fell in love with him so much, only for it to be taken away? what lesson am i supposed to learn in this?

I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year... and i hope that all of you get everything you want.

with love,

Paigalicious.