Breaking up is hard to do.

After spending a year with someone, someone who you thought was your soul-mate, someone who made all these promises with you. Someone you where starting to build a life with, Someone who comes to you, and tells you, things are not working out, and they do not love you anymore. At the drop of a hat, how do you move on from that?

I sit back and wonder sometimes, should i have seen the signs coming? I look back on this past year, and wonder how we got to this point. How i can wake up in the morning alone without him, how we went from us, to just me. How its not fair.

My ex and I met, and had a whirl wind romance, after countless bad boyfriends, being cheated on, lied to, realizing you are better off friends, I truly thought i had found the one.


I do not need a man in my life. I am smart, on the road to becoming a bad ass stylist, i have great friends, a semi decent family. A man was just an extension to that. I just feel like i need to clear that up, and being upfront is what i hope to achieve with this blog.

From the start i knew he was different, he was smart, incredibly handsome, had a great family, treated everyone with the utmost respect. He was the definition of a "good guy" and ladies as we all know, so many, if not every guy says they are a good guy, and we all laugh at them, because they all say they are different and in the end they are all the same.

I told myself from the start, i was not going to fall hard, I had a wall built up from previous boyfriends, i told myself this next guy was going to have to work for everything, that i would not give myself to someone so easily, that i would not go whole hearted into this situation, because in the end, it will end the same. The second you tell yourself that, you know you are in for trouble, because thats when someone really truly gets in. I was in love with him, right from the start. his smell, his smile, the way he looked at me. I've had guys stare at you, girls you know that look, the "I cant wait to get this one into bed" look, the one where you know you are talking to them and they are only thinking about "doing" you. but when he looked at me, he saw me. Saw all of my flaws, saw all of my imperfections, and told me they where beauty. He was very genuine. and that is what i loved about him.

I thought things where going well, we where talking about marriage, he told all of his family he was going to marry me, all of my family knew. His family loved and adored me, as did mine. But then, it all started to fall apart.

I felt like out of the blue we weren't happy anymore. We where fighting, over the stupidest things, the most trivial things. I was tired from school and work and wanted alone time with him, i was tired of his roomates always being with us, and he saw that as me being bitchy. I really just wanted alone time.

Eventually it took its toll. I felt so low, when he broke up with me in a text message. The fact that we had so much with each other, that in a text message he broke up with me. It made me feel like we nothing at all.

After three days, we started talking, again, he said i was becoming to controlling, i wasnt happy, and that he wasnt happy to see me anymore, and that he fell out of love. I was so crushed. I felt like i had ruined what we had. I ran every conversation through my head a million times, wondering why, why couldnt i just let it go, why did i need to pick a fight. we had the rest of our lives to be together, he wasnt going anywhere, i wasnt going anywhere.... but i just couldnt let it go.

We started seeing each other again, to see where things would go, we where talking on the phone everyday, and i asked if i could see him, and he wasnt ready.eventually he was. it was nice. seeing him, i was actually excited, and had realized all of the trivial stuff wasnt important, this was the man i wanted to spend my life with.

Weeks passed, we where still talking, just like when we first started dating, we where still sleeping together, it just felt great, until, he got upset, because he thought i was thinking we where back together, to which he had to clearly remind me every 5 minutes that we wheren't.

I felt so destroyed, like we where working towards repairing us, working towards giving us another shot. One night he even said he loved me, that he was in love with me. and that made me smile. I was so happy, the next day he justified it as "i do care about you, i love you, but im not in love with you"

I couldnt understand how a person could be so cruel, how they could watch the person they clearly love go through so much pain, and they are the ones causing it. Everyone around us couldnt understand, i would talk to my friends and they would be confused, his friends where confused, all i kept hearing was "its so obvious he loves you, yet why isnt he with you?"

So, I finally got up the courage to ask him, why.... why cant we just make this work? and his reply "9 times out of 10 things go back to the way they where.... and i dont want that. I am scared it is going to go back to the way it was"

I had to give it to him, it was honest, and i respected that, but for me, it felt stupid. I felt like, this past month has been great, this past year has been great, up until the month before we broke up... I realized what was going wrong, what i could lose, and i fixed it, and here i am doing everything to fix us, and its almost as if he could careless. I sat in his bed, and told him i couldnt do this anymore. i cant pretend to just be his friend, i can go from being engaged to friends... and its not fair of him to ask that of me, with no possiblity of us getting back together.

I couldnt breathe, and i thought my chest was going to explode. I knew once i walked out the door that was it, that it was over. I had to move on. I couldnt see straight from the tears. so i sat there for hours, he eyes where red, and he was so sad. he sat there comforting me. I just wanted to leave, but really i didnt.

as i walked out, he walked me to my car, he went back inside and i cried in my car for 15 minutes before i left. I couldnt believe he just let me walk away. i just walked away.

his roomates girlfriend, sent me a message later on in the night, saying she went in to make sure he was ok, and he was crying, he couldnt believe how bad he hurt me, he loved me, and couldnt believe he was hurting me so badly.

I felt a sigh of relief, and then confusion. Why cant someone see what is right infront of their face?

days went by, and of course i finally broke down and called him, (my biggest regret) I decided that if i wanted him in my life, that it was going to have to be on his terms, friendship for right now. That quickly turned back into how things where before the big blow out of crazy tears (as i now refer to the day i walked out)

So here we are, to date, 2 months since we have broken up. so much has happened. Its christmas. He is leaving for boot camp in the navy in a couple months, we are still not back together, and up until this past sunday we where sleeping together. i go to church with his parents, bake for them, still in contact with his friends and family, as he is with mine... would appear that we are together right?

wrong. So the day is here, the day I have been dreading all year, he has enlisted in the Navy, and all of my feelings are coming forth, do i tell him i want us to be back together, do i not say anything? I was so confused. He is leaving in a couple months for bootcamp. i need to do this.

So i tell him, I will wait for you, just like we planned, I want to be with you, make this work, I love you, and sometimes i feel like a fool for loving you when you say you dont love me back. I sat there for a half an hour, pouring my heart out to him. and i got back this "I cant commit to someone, when i need to work on myself. if we get back together i am scared it is going to go back to how it was, and i wasnt happy then. what if you get tired of waiting for me, and find someone else, cant we just enjoy being with each other for right now, and when the time comes closer, we'll talk about it?" I felt i did what i thought was right, by saying all of these things.

this past sunday, after having slept together again, and enjoying time together, i looked at him as we laid in his bed, and thought, this is the man i want, there is no other for me. I want to grow old with him, sit in rocking chairs. I look back at his grandparents 50th anniversary, to him saying that would be us in 50 years. and i want that. I want to sit on the porch in rocking chairs with him, thinking what a great life we have had. I didnt want to be hidden anymore. I didnt want to answer his family at church with a "I dont know" answer when they ask us what is going on with us. Cut to Tuesday morning. talking to him on the phone, "So your cousin keeps inviting me to your Christmas eve party..." "Paige I think you should come... i mean unless you think it will be weird" "well yea, kinda, you dont think its weird that we are going to your family's party while we are not together?" "you need to realize we are never going to be together. We are not good for each other, I do not want to marry you, i dont want to be with you. and i made a mistake."


how hard is that to hear, its like my heart got crushed again... i didnt think there was anything left, i felt like he had ripped what was left of the remains and shredded them on a cheese grader. Since tuesday i have been walking around like a droid, numb. emotionless. I cry in the shower. I joke that my body is dehydrated from losing so much water from crying.

I'm to the point where i am lost. I am so confused on so much, How can you love someone and hate them at the same time? I feel like such a fool, such a fool for still sleeping with him, still doing things for him, still being around his family (who i adore) and its all for nothing. His cousin said to me, that one day he will see what was right in front of his face, he will realize what he lost.

but will he?

I leave you with this ladies, why do we have to go through this? what is the point, of ever trying to love again, if in the end, it all ends the same?



feedback is appreciated.

love ya betchez