what was the reason? was it ever really real?

I was thinking today, the emotional weight that this relationship has on me, is killing me. I was sitting in my bedroom talking with my best friend on the phone, and i looked around, and the whole room just reminded me of him and i. From the countless pictures everywhere, to even the furniture placement ( he and i rearranged my whole room) which is why i sleep on the couch. the whole room reminds me of us. I have washed my sheets 10 times, and they still smell like him. I have several air fresheners going in my room, and yet i still smell him.

I feel like if i sleep in my room, on my bed, then i am aware that he is not really next to me. when you have spent the past year with someone by your side, it is hard to sleep when they are not there. so in my warped little head, if i sleep on the couch its not that bad.

The stress of it all is taking its toll on my body and mind. I cant focus anymore, the things that once seemed so important to me, now dont matter. Everything i have done this past year, was to help build this life together, everything he and i had done, we where heading towards our life together, and now, its as if nothing matters. none of that matters anymore. All of our hopes, all of our dreams, all of our plans, are washed away, and its like he could careless.

He looks at me like i am a different person to him now, and i look at him like he is a different person, and in a sense, he is.. he is this stranger, that i do not know.

I didnt cheat on him, I didnt treat him horrible. I did nothing but love him, unconditionally, i was there for him emotionally, financially, spiritually, mentally. I feel like we have been through so much, and he is just throwing it all away. I am not good enough for him. I am still the same, loving person as i was when he first met me. what has changed?

what is it about me that is not good enough for him? How can someone love someone so much, and then it just be gone? how can someone go from planning their life with someone, and then not even giving it a second chance to work? If you break up for reasons, and learn the lessons, and repair them, then why not give it a second chance?

there where many times where i could have ended it because of things he was doing that i didnt agree with, but i didnt, because thats what happens when you love someone, you love all of them, their flaws, and all...

and if i am to move on, and to find someone else, why in the hell would i want to put myself through this again? why would i want to find someone, fall in love, if this is how it is going to end?

I dont want to be with anyone else. I love him, I want to grow old with him. How did he and i get to this point?

I dont even know if i believe in love anymore. maybe i dont deserve to have real love. maybe i dont deserve that someone who makes your heart flutter when you speak their name. I mean i have that... I thought it was a gift...

I thought he was gift, for me... that because of all that i have suffered, everything that this world has done to me... i thought God, was saying "here... here he is, the one person in this world for you. here is the man you are going to spend your life with, the one person who will love you unconditionally, who is meant for you.. the other half of your soul, your heart....." and i thought i treated him like he was a gift from God to me...

I dont have it in me to do this again. to go through this. if this is what love is, then i dont want it anymore. My heart, everyday. everyday feels like it is breaking. I cry every morning. I put on a smile during the day, a fake facade, i laugh at jokes, but inside i am dying. inside i wish that my life would just end. I pretend to be happy when i am around him and his family, but i am just longing for it to be the way that it was. everytime i am near him, i pray, that God will just make him realize what is right in front of him.

I feel like a fool. like i should just let him go. let it all go. I feel really lost by this break-up. I feel like if i couldnt make it work with someone who was so perfect for me, then whats the point?

what is the point of this life? I see what other people have, and I know in the bible it says you should ask why for these people and not why for i. that everything is in Gods plan, but i ask, why is it in Gods plan for me to suffer for 26 years? why is it in his plan for me to get a glimpse of happiness, 1 year out of 26, a glimpse of happiness, only for it to all be taken away? I dont think i was ever the most happiest than when i was with him. I felt whole and complete and loved. I got a glimpse into what real families where like while being around him and his family, i got a glimpse into what it was really like to love someone, and to be loved back. I felt like i mattered to someone. and now, i feel lost, confused, hurt, low, ashamed, and like i don't matter to anyone.



In my world, things are crumbling down, all around me. and there is nowhere to go.

oh Vicki, how you have let me down....

Victoria's Secret.... the best bra's i have ever worn... but let me tell you something... have they changed their sizes?

I have warn a 36 B since i have been thin.. which has been the past 4 years, before that i was like a way bigger size, pretty embarrassed to say it lol... so i wont.

but, 36B the most standard size in the bra world. so yesterday i walked into my local Vicki's and was on my lunch break, grabbed my favorite bra, in my size, and then walked out the door. later on when i got home, and tried it on, i could barely breathe.. I pulled out a bra from my dresser, and measured it, and wouldnt you know it... the new bra is ridiculously smaller than the older one... hmmmm at 50 bucks a pop, you would think there would be some consistency.... so now, on my day off... in this snowy weather (its snowing here in chicago, a pretty sight if you dont have to do anything...) now i have to go, and return it, and go up a band size.... Talked to my cousin, who is way smaller than me, and she says that she has bras from them, 3 with different band sizes....

So im sitting wondering, what is it about us women, that a number gives us a hook-up.. a complex, its just a number. so what if it is higher than normal, at least it looks good on you right? and who sees that little tag embedded onto the material anyways... we shouldnt be embarassed by our size...

In clothes I am a size 10... there i said it... now, do i look like a size 10, nope... not one bit, but, with my bone structure, thats just the size that looks good on me......

anyways enough rambling on about this... off to church... gonna post another blog lata...

Little Girls in Pretty dresses

little girls in tiny dresses. I just can't compete with you anymore. I am sorry. I am not 21, I am not a size 2.

I recently went out with some friends of mine, to try and get my mind off of my break-up, I was thrust right back into the club scene, and although the scene and people had not changed, i sure have. I looked around, and saw all of these little girls, in tiny dresses, with big heels. I felt as if they looked like they where twelve and went into mommy's closet to play dress up. Now, I am far from fat, I will say this, but these girls where bordering on unhealthiness. and guys where all over them.

What is the appeal there? I must be upfront though, I can look back about 4 years, and yes i was one of those girls. we called ourselves the very verys. Very tan, Very thin, Very popular, Very fun.

but i have to say, im just not at that point in my life anymore. Your 20's is all about finding yourself. I have heard this numerous times from everyone. but maybe i am getting to that point, where i dont need to look in the clubs to see who i am. I lived that life for so long, and it really got me nowhere.

No guy is ever going to take you serious with a tiny dress on that reveals your little boy shorts, with your hair looking like something out of a bad 80's hair band, with double fisting your drinks, and then having your friends carry you out of a bar... how attractive is that? I understand that my generation is the generation of pleasure, and you can't tell us what to do... but seriously, come on now.

I recently came across an old friends facebook, yes i said it, i stalk people on facebook. and i looked through her pictures. she had not changed a bit, still out partying, using drugs, and moving on from guy to guy.

I am sorry if i want more than that. I want a life. I want marriage, a house, the white picket fence... the whole nine yards. but it just seems that people in their 20's are not like that anymore... who said you have to have everything figured out by 25, that was my motto, but now... im 26, should i be figuring it out more?

but here i sit, at the edge of yet another failed relationship, and yet i feel that i havent learned nothing from it. This has gotten off topic....

So i say, to you little girls in tiny dresses, I dont want to compete with you, hell i cant compete with you, but i wish you luck, you can have the clubs back... I dont want them...



need a new outlet for fun... anyone have any ideas? something that doesnt involve drinking, and slutty clothing?











next blog... "Put the donuts down" if i did you can too...

Breaking up is hard to do.

After spending a year with someone, someone who you thought was your soul-mate, someone who made all these promises with you. Someone you where starting to build a life with, Someone who comes to you, and tells you, things are not working out, and they do not love you anymore. At the drop of a hat, how do you move on from that?

I sit back and wonder sometimes, should i have seen the signs coming? I look back on this past year, and wonder how we got to this point. How i can wake up in the morning alone without him, how we went from us, to just me. How its not fair.

My ex and I met, and had a whirl wind romance, after countless bad boyfriends, being cheated on, lied to, realizing you are better off friends, I truly thought i had found the one.


I do not need a man in my life. I am smart, on the road to becoming a bad ass stylist, i have great friends, a semi decent family. A man was just an extension to that. I just feel like i need to clear that up, and being upfront is what i hope to achieve with this blog.

From the start i knew he was different, he was smart, incredibly handsome, had a great family, treated everyone with the utmost respect. He was the definition of a "good guy" and ladies as we all know, so many, if not every guy says they are a good guy, and we all laugh at them, because they all say they are different and in the end they are all the same.

I told myself from the start, i was not going to fall hard, I had a wall built up from previous boyfriends, i told myself this next guy was going to have to work for everything, that i would not give myself to someone so easily, that i would not go whole hearted into this situation, because in the end, it will end the same. The second you tell yourself that, you know you are in for trouble, because thats when someone really truly gets in. I was in love with him, right from the start. his smell, his smile, the way he looked at me. I've had guys stare at you, girls you know that look, the "I cant wait to get this one into bed" look, the one where you know you are talking to them and they are only thinking about "doing" you. but when he looked at me, he saw me. Saw all of my flaws, saw all of my imperfections, and told me they where beauty. He was very genuine. and that is what i loved about him.

I thought things where going well, we where talking about marriage, he told all of his family he was going to marry me, all of my family knew. His family loved and adored me, as did mine. But then, it all started to fall apart.

I felt like out of the blue we weren't happy anymore. We where fighting, over the stupidest things, the most trivial things. I was tired from school and work and wanted alone time with him, i was tired of his roomates always being with us, and he saw that as me being bitchy. I really just wanted alone time.

Eventually it took its toll. I felt so low, when he broke up with me in a text message. The fact that we had so much with each other, that in a text message he broke up with me. It made me feel like we nothing at all.

After three days, we started talking, again, he said i was becoming to controlling, i wasnt happy, and that he wasnt happy to see me anymore, and that he fell out of love. I was so crushed. I felt like i had ruined what we had. I ran every conversation through my head a million times, wondering why, why couldnt i just let it go, why did i need to pick a fight. we had the rest of our lives to be together, he wasnt going anywhere, i wasnt going anywhere.... but i just couldnt let it go.

We started seeing each other again, to see where things would go, we where talking on the phone everyday, and i asked if i could see him, and he wasnt ready.eventually he was. it was nice. seeing him, i was actually excited, and had realized all of the trivial stuff wasnt important, this was the man i wanted to spend my life with.

Weeks passed, we where still talking, just like when we first started dating, we where still sleeping together, it just felt great, until, he got upset, because he thought i was thinking we where back together, to which he had to clearly remind me every 5 minutes that we wheren't.

I felt so destroyed, like we where working towards repairing us, working towards giving us another shot. One night he even said he loved me, that he was in love with me. and that made me smile. I was so happy, the next day he justified it as "i do care about you, i love you, but im not in love with you"

I couldnt understand how a person could be so cruel, how they could watch the person they clearly love go through so much pain, and they are the ones causing it. Everyone around us couldnt understand, i would talk to my friends and they would be confused, his friends where confused, all i kept hearing was "its so obvious he loves you, yet why isnt he with you?"

So, I finally got up the courage to ask him, why.... why cant we just make this work? and his reply "9 times out of 10 things go back to the way they where.... and i dont want that. I am scared it is going to go back to the way it was"

I had to give it to him, it was honest, and i respected that, but for me, it felt stupid. I felt like, this past month has been great, this past year has been great, up until the month before we broke up... I realized what was going wrong, what i could lose, and i fixed it, and here i am doing everything to fix us, and its almost as if he could careless. I sat in his bed, and told him i couldnt do this anymore. i cant pretend to just be his friend, i can go from being engaged to friends... and its not fair of him to ask that of me, with no possiblity of us getting back together.

I couldnt breathe, and i thought my chest was going to explode. I knew once i walked out the door that was it, that it was over. I had to move on. I couldnt see straight from the tears. so i sat there for hours, he eyes where red, and he was so sad. he sat there comforting me. I just wanted to leave, but really i didnt.

as i walked out, he walked me to my car, he went back inside and i cried in my car for 15 minutes before i left. I couldnt believe he just let me walk away. i just walked away.

his roomates girlfriend, sent me a message later on in the night, saying she went in to make sure he was ok, and he was crying, he couldnt believe how bad he hurt me, he loved me, and couldnt believe he was hurting me so badly.

I felt a sigh of relief, and then confusion. Why cant someone see what is right infront of their face?

days went by, and of course i finally broke down and called him, (my biggest regret) I decided that if i wanted him in my life, that it was going to have to be on his terms, friendship for right now. That quickly turned back into how things where before the big blow out of crazy tears (as i now refer to the day i walked out)

So here we are, to date, 2 months since we have broken up. so much has happened. Its christmas. He is leaving for boot camp in the navy in a couple months, we are still not back together, and up until this past sunday we where sleeping together. i go to church with his parents, bake for them, still in contact with his friends and family, as he is with mine... would appear that we are together right?

wrong. So the day is here, the day I have been dreading all year, he has enlisted in the Navy, and all of my feelings are coming forth, do i tell him i want us to be back together, do i not say anything? I was so confused. He is leaving in a couple months for bootcamp. i need to do this.

So i tell him, I will wait for you, just like we planned, I want to be with you, make this work, I love you, and sometimes i feel like a fool for loving you when you say you dont love me back. I sat there for a half an hour, pouring my heart out to him. and i got back this "I cant commit to someone, when i need to work on myself. if we get back together i am scared it is going to go back to how it was, and i wasnt happy then. what if you get tired of waiting for me, and find someone else, cant we just enjoy being with each other for right now, and when the time comes closer, we'll talk about it?" I felt i did what i thought was right, by saying all of these things.

this past sunday, after having slept together again, and enjoying time together, i looked at him as we laid in his bed, and thought, this is the man i want, there is no other for me. I want to grow old with him, sit in rocking chairs. I look back at his grandparents 50th anniversary, to him saying that would be us in 50 years. and i want that. I want to sit on the porch in rocking chairs with him, thinking what a great life we have had. I didnt want to be hidden anymore. I didnt want to answer his family at church with a "I dont know" answer when they ask us what is going on with us. Cut to Tuesday morning. talking to him on the phone, "So your cousin keeps inviting me to your Christmas eve party..." "Paige I think you should come... i mean unless you think it will be weird" "well yea, kinda, you dont think its weird that we are going to your family's party while we are not together?" "you need to realize we are never going to be together. We are not good for each other, I do not want to marry you, i dont want to be with you. and i made a mistake."


how hard is that to hear, its like my heart got crushed again... i didnt think there was anything left, i felt like he had ripped what was left of the remains and shredded them on a cheese grader. Since tuesday i have been walking around like a droid, numb. emotionless. I cry in the shower. I joke that my body is dehydrated from losing so much water from crying.

I'm to the point where i am lost. I am so confused on so much, How can you love someone and hate them at the same time? I feel like such a fool, such a fool for still sleeping with him, still doing things for him, still being around his family (who i adore) and its all for nothing. His cousin said to me, that one day he will see what was right in front of his face, he will realize what he lost.

but will he?

I leave you with this ladies, why do we have to go through this? what is the point, of ever trying to love again, if in the end, it all ends the same?



feedback is appreciated.

love ya betchez